


will you be my friend? ; cs.

by arrowthroughtheheart



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: ATEEZ - Freeform, Angst, Angst with a sad ending, Gen, Hongjoong is only mentioned, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, Misunderstandings, but if it still triggers you be careful, but very teeny so ya gotta squint, but whats new its me, non-detailed mass murder, rash decisions, read the tags, so are the rest of the gang, very descriptive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-19 00:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19346287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrowthroughtheheart/pseuds/arrowthroughtheheart
Summary: Choi San is. . .An illusion.





	will you be my friend? ; cs.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [no one in particular just miss dievee](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=no+one+in+particular+just+miss+dievee).



> hi heyo i am : new to ateez and i find out like a few weeks ago that everyone needs new content but now the people who reads my work are gone and i am so sorry for my random update schedule wth-  
> sksjskekjdksjsjsks but here’s a new and unoriginal idea! sorry if it’s short tho:(

Choi San is. . .

 _An illusion._ He exists as if he’s just a shadow over your elementary dreams of a perfect boyfriend, and he looms over your anxiety-filled head when you’re trying to sleep, and most of the time; he’ll be right beside you, whispering sweet nothings while combing his fingers through your hair. It’ll be like nothing you disagree with ever happened, and you always fall asleep feeling content, calm, and. . . as if you’re floating, even. 

Floating among the different-coloured clouds, on a ship with no destination whatsoever set, so you can sail forever and ever between the soft droplets of untouched water. He makes you feel like you’re the butterflies in someone’s stomach, and his voice soothes you to no end.

Choi San is, also. . .

 _An aurora._ Almost too far to reach with your bare hands and naked eyes, but always there to remind you of their beauty, lingering in the sky as if it has no destination on to where it should land, where it should rest its broken wings. It’s captivating, eye-catching, and all of the other words in any dictionary that could describe beauty. 

Which is why it is exactly like San.

Too far, too beautiful, too often than not enjoyed by almost everyone and not only yourself, too. . . realistic.

And upon other things that could easily float in the sky, Choi San is. . . 

 _A pirate king._ One that reminds you of old tales of the lost boys and Peter Pan, flying here and there without a care in the world - with their only care being; the pirate everyone is so afraid of. What are they so afraid of, anyways? There appeared to be slight disagreement in this part of him, but at the end of the day, a pirate king turns out to be something that can actually describe Choi San perfectly.

For you, mostly. 

The fact that he can do little to nothing to captivate your warm, beating, pulsing heart and ran away with it - away from the sailors, away from anyone that goes against what he believes to be true. And for being with those he love, no matter what the cost.

And you were right. To the world, maybe, little Choi San from your desserted village might be nothing but a single-handed little pirate under the _tiny_ ship led by none other than Hongjoong - with a dream to overthrow the corrupt organization that took form in the sailors and set fire to every single one of their majestic ships paid by the sweat and tears of hardworking villagers - to you, San has conquered the world, _and maybe a little bit more._

He’s always going to be your knight in shining armour, no matter what the world told you. No matter how little the time grows when he stays back home - if they even manage to visit every single one of the crew’s hometown - your heart always does some things you have yet to identify every time he looks into your eyes.

Choi San made you feel _waves._ Waves of uncontrollable memory and the longing for something other than just the contentment of watching him run down from their ship, a bright smile on his face when he spots you in the crowd of people watching. Something other than just, “Let’s go to this one last picnic? I’m leavin’ tomorrow morning,” and something a little bit more than just. . . you, on your own, trying to cover up the fact that your disappointment can bring more bad than good.

But then, as unexpected as their return - the day came by.

He looked like a different man back then, as he usually laughs with the rest of his crew when he sets foot at home - _his home_ \- and it’s not just because of his very apparent physical change.

Of course, you knew fighting all those professional soldiers _and_ living on sea would change one man’s entire physique, but to say you were overwhelmed was a little bit underestimating the effect he had on you. San had a new hair, to say the _least_ , since it was just almost brown the last time you saw him. But it has been almost a year, so this dude strutting down the dock with his red strikes for hair is nothing new.

Maybe you thought it’ll be his usual home-visits for a few moments, because he looked unhappy to be there, to say the least.

What can you say?

If you had the chance to abandon home - also known as the snake’s pit, since there’s no one else here except thiefs and a bunch of runaway murderers - you would, too. So if Choi San decided that he’s unhappy with where he was born, could you really judge him?

But you didn’t know.

You didn’t know how much hatred was boiling inside him for this wretched place he once called home, where he used to come back every now and then to _be_ with someone, and how much he couldn’t believe what was happening right in front if his very eyes.

He wanted to burn the whole village up, and you had to go down with it.

Even if you didn’t know what he was planning on doing, you won’t even be mad. It was partially your fault, and you admitted that.

Your tiny criminal-filled village was apparently infiltrated by a few soldiers, and logically, they’d work together with the sailors at sea to hunt down every possible threat there are out there who wanted their heads on a silver platter. And honestly, you overheard that they’ve gunned down a few smaller ships, and only a few were left - one is a ship with 9 crew aboard, it seems like, with a Captain almost as untouchable as San’s Captain, but with a few more years of experience - and once you hear them mention the ship where the love of your life was on, you knew you were screwed.

And from then on, there was a witch hunt on the village to _supposedly_ stop those corrupt soldiers from harassing the villagers by giving them all the informations possible on _ATEEZ_ \- the informations that even San has yet to leak even when he arrives at home with his childhood friends, since anonimosity is that important for them - and said witch hunt brought you over to an interrogation at the city. 

It was a nice office, you remembered, with leather sofas and wooden walls and floors. If only you were there for something else more promising other than a whip hitting you across your face _and_ back every now and then if you refuse to open your mouth about your _‘pathetic little one handed boyfriend’_.

You spat at them.

You were proud of what you did, but you probably should’ve been smarter. There’s no way their offended pride would be soothed by only three more _very_ deep cuts made by the whip on your skin, and you should’ve took into account how much they can hurt you. Emotionally, rather than physically. But only when it’s all too late did you realize what it meant to you, and to the village both you and San grew up in.

Someone _did_ figure out where ATEEZ were hiding for all these years; a salty little nobody who was replaced by San aboard, a decision Hongjoong made about five years ago when said nobody decided that he would rebel against the Captain himself. Of course, with nobody to protect him or stand up for him afterwards, he got casted away into this village - only alive because of the crew’s kindness, but decided to get back at them a few years after.

A gun fight broke out, from what you heard, and lo and behold, the one thing that would trigger the entire crew happened.

Hongjoong was shot down. Not _badly_ , of course - but he still needed to get recovery from how he fell down after the shot and for the scar itself - but his crew took no understanding whatsoever in seeing their Captain hurt.

Of course, after an entire night of contemplation and self-hatred, also the slight splashing noise of a red-velvety box being thrown into the water in anger, San gave up and told the rest of his crew who their attackers were. He’d knew best, since, he grew up with them.

It didn’t took them as long as they used to when they dock their ship on the outskirts of your village, gallons of oil in hand while their eyes tried their best to get used to the darkness that is your sleeping village. Hongjoong has no idea of this mission, and when he later finds out he disciplines them with anger written all over his face - but for the time being, he’s safely seated underneath his blanket while the rest of them. . . works on setting fire to the village that betrayed its own _king._

San slips out of the view for a second, forgetting how it feels like to breath when he spots the tiny shack where he used to sleep in - cold and shivering every night, hungry and in pain as he was beat up without anyone to feed him and while failing to steal food; his last recources on surviving. He’s always been saved by someone, either it be _you_ \- with your trembling hands when you slip him a bread under his tiny, broken, shack door - or Hongjoong, with a curious and suspicious raise of his eyebrows when San almost drowned from the storm that took over the tiny fisherman boat he hopped on with to try and runaway.

But this time, he chose a side.

His eyes caught yours for a moment, and he cursed himself out loud for not remembering that you usually don’t fall asleep at all. That’s why, all those times ago - you’d hear him shivering in the cold night air of the unforgiving village, and would give him your spare blankets, even though you’re not much better off than he was.

”Not asleep yet, doll?” He asks, turning to face your window while he still, visibly, pour the oil on the ground right next to them. He thought about how you would react, but none of them compares to what actually happened. “You know,” you started out, “I would’ve said _I do._ ”

San froze on his place, fingers shaking from anger but face contorting into something a bit more. . . sad.

Silence blanketed the both of you as you silently continue on writing on your notebook, praying to whatever gods above that San wouldn’t notice your also, shakin hands. “No. _You_ know what?” He continues, making sure your eyes went to look at his. “If you didn’t hurt my family, I would’ve asked you to come with me. To be mine. For us. . . to be together again. But you just had to pull _this_ , huh? You and. . . the rest of this pathetic village. I knew they never cared about me, but you- I don’t know. Thought you were different. Thought you actually _cared_ , at least.”

There was venom dripping out of his words, and you decided to not dwell on it. He’ll get what he bargained for, and you’d be glad if it doesn’t come from you.

”You know, I used to be that, too,” you smiled up at him, taking in the way his lips quivered and his eyes watered the last time. “Your _family_?”

The last time. . .

Before your body is engulfed with flames you know too damn well to ignore, both from the inside and outside. But for the last time, it’s not his fault. It’s not his fault when he decided not to _stay_ , when he wanted to live and be another person completely, when he puts other people before you.

No.

We can’t always blame those who leaves.

Sometimes, we need to learn to blame ourselves.

 _Even when we’re not the ones setting ourselves on fire_.

 


End file.
